Below you will find a tutorial on how to crash a Ukrainian wedding.
The first thing to do is find a super-cute baby and put her hair in pigtails. You also want to make yourself slightly presentable. No, don’t get all gussied up like a wedding guest, but at least put on a nice shirt, brush your hair, and wipe the peanut butter off your jeans. Next, when you see the beautiful bride and her husband upstairs in the hallway, use your tablet translator to tell her “You look beautiful! Congratulations! May I take a picture?” while holding said adorable baby on your hip. Go down to the bar and talk with your favorite bartender and waitresses who will pass your baby around for awhile. By talk, I mean smile and use hand gestures to say what a lovely wedding it is. Part 1 is complete. Now, go hang out in your hotel room for awhile to let the festivities really get started.
At 11PM the music will die down and you may think the party is over. Boy would you be wrong. They actually are just serving ANOTHER meal. My kind of people! So, continue watching movies online. The music JUST below your floor will be so loud that you need to use earbuds to hear your movie. Now, inevitably, since you have something downstairs for entertainment, the baby will probably actually fall asleep. It’s still okay to peek in on the festivities just downstairs for a few minutes, but use a baby monitor in case she wakes up (just like you would do at home). If you haven’t thought to bring a baby monitor to Ukraine, be creative. Skype a friend and sit the computer in front of the crib where baby is contained and sleeping soundly. If baby awakes, she will text or call you. Now, you can peek in to see what’s happening. Disclaimer - you may not rely completely on technology (a cyber nanny or a baby monitor) to party the night away, this is simply something you can do for 5 minutes.
When you go down to check it out around 1:15, they will be taking off the bride’s veil and putting a beautiful crocheted shawl on her head. Then, they start the “dollar dance.” It is much like the American dollar dance except it includes shots for participants. The DJ/emcee will stand with a plate that has a shot glass on it. Guests place money on the plate, a lady pours a shot, the guest takes it, then goes to dance with the bride (bringing his date along for the 3 person dance). The shot glass goes back on the plate for the next participant. The groom does not participate in dollar dance. After a quick peek, head back upstairs. Just as you get back in the room, baby will start to stir.
You may wonder how in the world the baby slept to begin with due to the thumping music, but by this time of night she will not want to sleep knowing such a party exists beneath her cute little toes. So, you should probably just decide “if you can’t beat them, join them!” Go downstairs by the bar with all the staff and the awesome housekeeper. They will again pass your baby around while you observe the festivities for awhile. At 2AM, the guests will apparently all be hungry again, so…. They will serve borscht, bread, and salad. During this break, let adorable baby walk around looking cute and smiling at wedding guests still in the restaurant and lounge area. (Dancing is in the restaurant with tables cleared out of the middle. Food is served in the banquet room.)
As you observe the party, you will notice people here and there holding big plates of cake or pastries. They are not using forks, just digging into it. It’s obviously a single serving on a paper plate with a doily, but they’re HUGE! When the dancing starts again and you are dancing with baby, the bride will approach you with a plate full of pastries. Through charades, you realize she is “serving” you the giant plate. You slide the paper plate off her china plate that she takes with her. What a cool tradition! At this point, though, you’re holding a baby and a plate of goodies. Baby is reaching quickly! So, grab a seat and dig in. Yes, it’s okay to give the baby sugar in the middle of the night. She’s not sleeping any time soon! Since the bride has given you cake, you can probably figure you’re okay to stay. So, enjoy observing some games involving wedding guests. They will be more like things you would do at an American bachelorette party or coed shower than at an actual wedding. After a particular game where the participants had to drink out of glasses, the used glasses will be sat on the table next to you and your pastries. A few songs later, a slightly intoxicated but friendly Ukrainian man will come over to pour himself a drink of water… into one of those glasses. As he shows you the bottle of water you will probably smile and nod -which is kind of an acquired behavior when you have no idea what is going on. Unfortunately, you may not realize that he is, in fact, offering you a drink. So, after he pours your water into the used glass, you will need to choke back your gag reflex and take a polite drink of the water with him! As they say, “When in Rome!”
Enjoy the dance, smile a lot, let the baby be cute with balloons, and just enjoy it! After all, there’s not much sleeping to be had just above the noise! At 4AM, they will start to take down the “big” speakers, so it’s probably safe to assume you may get some sleep. Bid your adieus to guests in close proximity, gather your child from the housekeeper’s daughter, and head back upstairs to your room. The baby will wind-down quickly and you can get to sleep pretty soon. Noises of the party will infiltrate your sleep well past 5:30AM, though!
And THAT is how you crash a Ukrainian Wedding!
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