Yesterday morning when I went in to pack him up, he had already filled his suitcase. What a sweetheart trying to help out. He had left some things out, and we had to carefully pack and repack to get the weight right. After morning violin lesson, we finished up packing the suitcase and headed into town to print pictures. 400+ pictures! We had pizza for lunch and then I took the kids bowling. We were supposed to go on Tuesday, but forgot socks and ran out of time. Unfortunately, due to a bowling alley owner with zero compassion or human decency, it was not a good experience :( Details on that another time and you can decide whether you ever personally want to patronize that place! We went to pick up the pictures and he was pretty excited about having all those. At home, I helped him start putting them in the album, then we finished packing up. The whole family went down to spend our last night together at a hotel close to the airport. We had to grab some Chick-Fil-A on the way. Long line, but totally yummy! V*ktor loves kartoshka (fries). At the hotel, we went down to swim. The kids had so much fun! Lots of laughing and splashing. I wasn't going to get in, but Brian said he didn't think I could still do a handstand. Had to prove him wrong! I was glad I did because it was really fun having that last moment playing in the pool with all the kids. After showers and settling down, we all sat together on the bed and each person prayed for V*ktor and our thanks for his experience with us. He, as usual, prayed as well at the end. Lots of hugs, tears, and I love yous. Once they were all sleeping, I headed to Walmart for a few last minute things - soccer wristbands, neck pillow for plane (he had asked several times for one of these), snickers, a card, and a goodbye gift. When I got back, I just didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to watch the family together again for the last time. In my adult life, there have only been 2 times I literally cried myself to sleep - when Dad died, and last night.
The card says "Miles apart" "Still in my heart"
"We love you much. We miss you for now. God loves you more than you can know and he will be with you for life. We will continue to pray for you and love you always. This necklace symbolizes the key to our hearts. You always have a special place in our hearts.
Mama and Papa
A, B, & C"
This morning, we rushed to the airport and got all checked in (bag at 49 lbs). Then, we sat for a minute together before they said it was time. Lots of hugs, tears, and I love yous. V*ktor tried not to cry, but when Brian did, V*ktor had some tears, too. He just looked so sad and alone. As he started to walk away, I grabbed him for one last hug and a quick prayer. Once he was already through security, we realized he had left the neck pillow with us. He saw me with it and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t trying to get it to him. Thankfully, a wonderful, compassionate TSA agent took it through the xray and gave it to him. He gave us one last smile, blew some kisses, and disappeared through the door to the jet bridge. That may be the last time we ever see him.
I can’t imagine anything would come even close to the pain of actually losing a child. I’m not suggesting this is the same, but if it’s possible to catch a glimpse of that heartache, this is it.
Sometimes the tears trickle out for just a moment and stop. Sometimes it’s just sobbing with suffocating sadness. I’ve cried over bananas, a hat he accidentally left in the car, snickers, an empty washing machine, peanut butter crackers, a sewing kit, balloons and streamers left in the living room, his pillow pet making “cuckoo” noises, seeing the empty hotel room after he was gone, and many many other things.
So then the question - Was it enough? Did we love him, hug him, tell him he was special - enough? We are flawed, sinful people who constantly fail. We’re not perfect, but God’s love is perfect. We desperately pray that we did enough to show him God’s love and that this experience can carry him on for the rest of his life. I have already emailed him so that whenever he has access to a computer- whether tomorrow or September- he will have a note from me to remind him how much I care for him. Is that enough? Or is there more? In our frantic prayer for his forever family, are we missing the fact that it’s us? He fit soooo perfectly into our family! I barely feel like I’m good enough to be a Mom of 3 precious gifts from God. How am I possibly enough for 4? Well, as I typed it I kind of got my answer. I am not enough. God is enough and relying on him is the only way any of us can do anything.
So then the “enough” money part… It’s around $25,000 for a Ukraine adoption. If you know us personally, you know that’s almost laughable. We don’t have smart phones or cable or new cars. Practically all our clothes are purchased at the thrift store or garage sales, and I price match or coupon just about everything else that I buy! I say this not to have a pity party, but because coming up with $25,000 for us is HUGE. God is big enough for anything, though! At this point, we are still prayerfully looking for V*ktor’s forever family and knowing that God will provide for whoever it is - whether us or someone else.
James 1:27a "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress"
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